General Hospital Recap: #JarlyWedding
An honest look at the surprisinly low-budget #JarlyWedding ceremony and the harrowing climax of the Nixon Falls. One that I call the When Jason Met Carly/Weekend At Sonny’s Double Feature.
#JARLYWEDDING
It finally happened. FINALLY. The day that Carly Roberts/Caroline Benson/Carly Spencer Quartermaine Corinthos Alcazar Corinthos Jacks Corinthos has waited her entire adult life for has finally come to fruition. After 25 years of chasing away every possible love interest her best friend could have, while simultaneously cruising through every available bachelor in Port Charles like a SCUD missile AND maintaining a solid relationship with Jason’s other best friend, Sonny. And she got everybody’s blessing without resorting to using WSB memory mapping which is remarkable. Seriously, the response to this marriage thus far has had me wondering if Cyrus Renault’s drug supply got dumped into the city’s water supply. Now that would be a storyline! But I digress.
As the ceremony begins: Carly looks at Jason like she always has, and for the first time, Jason Morgan does not look like he needs to take a massive dump. Monica is holding back bile. Bobbie is enjoying the dubious honor of the World’s Hottest Great-Grandmother. Not to be outdone, Olivia is the Hottest Grandmother in Recorded History, thanks to that dress. Mrs. Wu looks uncomfortable sitting next to Willow, trapped in that hideous dress. Joss is visibly bored and looks like she’s going to scream “Ugh, Mom! Let’s go” at any moment. Epiphanny is grateful for Jason’s kindness to her deceased son, even though one could argue maybe he’s the reason Stan’s dead. Epiphany is just grateful to have shit to say about the ceremony to Liz when she sees her at the hospital. Cameron has this entranced stare fixated on Joss and is way hornier than anybody (who isn’t sleeping with the bride) has any business being at a soap opera wedding. Trina appears to be wondering how none of these white people gives a shit about Jordan being injured and sent off to Albany. It’s a bizarre and heartwarming affair that left me with one burning question-where did all the money spent on this wedding go? I’m looking at you, Maxie.
Meanwhile back at the increasingy depressing little hamlet we call Nixon Falls, the dorky Sonny/Nina romance that strained the suspension of disbelief and the Tan-O, the poster child for the current state of the economy im rural America, went up in flames. I am sad seeing that old watering hole burn- who am I kidding? I’m elated. If only for the fact that Phyllisis free to move to Port Charles. She can be a nurse at GH. Or if she absolutely NEEDS to run a small business, she can help Curtis run that dimly lit, basement level massage parlor crossed with a branch of a local bank he calls The Savoy, which sees marginally more traffic than the Tan-O. Phyllis should have torched the damn thing herself. If anybody else had burned it down I’d shake their hand. Unfortunately, Peter started the fire and Peter gets no props from me- not now, not ever. Side-note: Maxie crying tears of joy because she didn’t marry that dick was a highlight of the episode. Side-note #2: How about Epiphanny clearing her throat at Maxie when Jax called? Maxie should have been like “I didn’t even answer it! Stay in your pew, sis.”
Jax, Nina and Phyllis have escaped the fire. But they all look like they were at the rowdiest Ash Wednesday ever. Jax makes one call to Maxie to warn her about Peter. but just that one. The Tan-O burns with Sonny still inside, since Jax left him in there to barbecue like a little Godfather-themed hotdog. Nina is hysterically trying to go back in the fire but Jax stops her and tells her Sonny is dead. Jax then tells Nina she’s a liar and that he needs to call Maxie. Unfortunbately, he’s too busy telling the fireman that there isn’t any way to save Sonny and telling Nina that she’s a liar. Jax stops for a minute to tend to Phyllis who is in a coughing fit of joy over the realization she gets to leave this shithole.In that moment, Nina spots Sonny, runs over and tackles the man to the ground.
At the hospital Jax tells Nina that Sonny needs to be back with his family. Secretly, he’s upset that woman number three (four if you count Sam) has chosen Sonny over him and that he didn’t get to watch the dude toast like a marshmellow. Phyllis exits Sonny’s rooms letting Nina know he wants to see her. Phyllis says it was like meeting a different person, with entirely different energy from the kind fellow she knew. Jax informs her she just met Sonny Corinthos, sounding worried that Phyllis may be another woman he steals away. Once alone with Mike- or rather Sonny- declares he remembers everything. Both still looking its like Ash Wednesday Gone Wild, go back and forth on the events that got them there, eventually Nina drops to her knees on the floor of the hospital, which is icky in more ways than one, and tells him she loves him. Sonny points and warns her not to say those gross words to him ever again.
Back at the end of the ceremony, my suspicions are confirmed that the wedding’s budget was stolen when Maxie confirms that everybody has the bubble makers they were issued to blow the crap out of Jason and Carly (I know it sounded funny when I reread that, but thats what happened). All the guests wish the newlyweds a happy marriage or whatever. Then Ms. Wu struts on over and congratulates them before whispering something in Jason’s ear. The music gets all suspenseful like something bad is going to happen. Everybody heads to their cars with particular attention being paid to the couple, Gladys and Brando and the Novaks. Carly asks what Ms. Wu said to Jason because they have only been married for five minutes and no f-ing way is she going to stand for that shit.
As they leave for the car, Gladys complains to Brando that he has Novak all wrong and that not everyone is looking out for number one- which is startlingly lacking in self awareness, even for her. In the Novak/Buscema vehicle, Novak complains “that freak Gladys stole my pocket square” and the two confirm their plan to blow up the newlyweds. Which would be robbing the guests of the reception Maxie spent nothing on. Carly tells the driver to “step on it” even though the car is not in motion nor is his foot on the gas.. He ignores the idiot and starts the car and theres an explosion of such sorce that it blows the facade of this janky wedding ceremony.
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